Texts From AT&T Park

(937): wtf. i just found you’re porn stash.

(1-937): u like it?

(937):NOT THE POINT.

(323):

She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.

(914):

Have you seen Dave? He’s not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.

(310):

OH MY GOD I CAN’T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?

(203):

He’s a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way

(337):

The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn’t changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn’t suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.

(310):

I’d like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.

(817):

Yeah. It’s a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.

(312):

Don’t make it weird, I don’t think about you when I’m climaxing, it’s just that I see you rooting me on.

(703):

BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.